December 2, 2009
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When Did I Start Wanting a Husband?
I admit it. I’m one of those people who plays through the romance side quests in video games. Originally, it was just out of curiosity, though now it’s almost because a salve for the wounds caused by prolonged loneliness.
This is not to say that I don’t think I can be complete or healthy while single. Of course I can. It’s just the emptiness that comes from seeing others in relationships, remembering the sweeter moments of past ones, and the introspection caused by those memories. I haven’t met a single person who doesn’t understand the desire for a fulfilling relationship and the haunting question “Is there something wrong with me?” Some of us spend years in this state, some months, some minutes. *Playfully shakes fist at those who are too beautiful or charming to understand prolonged solitude*
So as I said, I flirt with the characters knowing fully well that they aren’t real, and that taking this seriously is foolish. The latest example has been Alistair in Dragon Age: Origins. At first, I liked his stupid little spiked bangs and thought “I bet we’re going to bond over the whole traumatic prelude experience.” We did, but tonight, I realized that I was in trouble.
Alistair is a gentleman who sticks to his morals and defends them against any playful jabs you send his way. He is intelligent, not a genius by any standard, by introspective enough that listening to him speak is tolerable. He has a wry sense of humor, which he uses to cope with things and get a rise out of my character. He’s sarcastic, but warm enough that he’ll slip compliments between jokes. And to top it all off, he’s vulnerable. Alistair makes a fool of himself in front of my character, and doesn’t try to hide his embarrassment. He admits that he’s getting flustered or taken aback by my actions. He criticizes me when he disagrees. He is himself, unabashedly. And I’m left wondering how those darn writers KNEW exactly who I am looking for in real life and why they slipped him into the game.
I sound pathetic, but I’ve had two lackluster relationships, and the last one ended what… just before my birthday almost three years ago? I’m not used to getting attention, much less so from someone matching my ideal. But this isn’t even the worst part!
The worst part is that after I turned off the game and processed what had been said, I was struck by the way that Alistair talked about our future together, how he wanted to make a home together, looked forward to the rest of our lives. Sitting here in my empty room, I realized… it’s not even the attention that I want any more. It’s the permanence. I want a man who will stay by my side for the rest of our lives, fight the (decidedly smaller) battles with me, and risk things to make it work.
I am so tired of the boys who think they’re men, but can’t tell mother to treat me like a human being. Can’t handle money responsibly. Can’t stand up for what’s right when there might be consequences. Who don’t have dreams and wouldn’t chase them if they did. Who just think about today. Take my responses for granted, because women are like plants who only need water and can be ignored. Will never make the changes in themselves that they wax eloquent about.
I need a man, who understands what maturity actually is and is willing to do what it takes to ensure that what we have is permanent, both before and after the wedding.
I just can’t put my finger on the moment that I grew up. The second when I moved from a child who wanted attention to a woman who wants commitment. And it kind of scares me. I mean, this is like the first time I thought about what it would be like to have children. Not pregnancy or birth, but the rest of it. What it would feel like to look down at a three year old angel who’s beaming back at me and know that I was staring at the greatest thing I could give to the world.
Changing isn’t pleasant. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but at least this is a change for the better. Still, I have to wonder when my Alistair will show up in person. Here’s hoping that it won’t feel like forever.
