Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night? Maybe you’ve heard a noise, or maybe you just need to answer nature’s call. Either way, you move from your room to the moonlit hall, but instead of continuing on in quest of your goal, you freeze stock still in the middle of the floor.  

“There are perverts on the internet lurking to harm our children!” 

Yes, there are, but parents who focus on internet perverts as the main concern of children using the internet are missing the mark.  Inappropriate communications are a far bigger concern.  They are exponentially more likely to happen and excessively harder to police.

What do I mean by inappropriate communications?  Here are some examples from my own experience:

I’ve read my fair share of “Chivalry is dead!” and “I can open the door myself!” posts to warrant this rant.

Here goes….

STOP WHINING!

Now, why do I say this?

You look at the clock.

3:42

But the last thing you remember is 11:37. Your best friend was leaving with her boyfriend, but you decided to stay a little longer.

The clock says 12-14

But your clock doesn’t show the date.

The mattress you’re on feels like box springs.

But your mattress is moderately comfortable.

Now it’s starting to sink in.

Bees, wasps, hornets, and houseflies….Why aren’t they afraid of us?? We’re way bigger than they are.   Are they all retarded or do they have a really screwed up line of vision that makes them THINK they are bigger than we are? And why don’t houseflies take a hint? Hello? I’m swatting at you??? Go away?

Why don’t they? I’d like to know. God I hate houseflies, good for nothing little buggers.

I’m surprised, almost every day, that housecats don’t rule the planet. They certainly rule the homes they live in.Why haven’t they expanded their sphere of influence? I’d like to know.

People have been talking about Bigfoot for years, there are societies devoted to finding him. No one has ever turned in a skeleton or even a tuft of hair. Bigfoot has had people fascinated for centuries, yet now that he is living above me (with the shower masturbating daughter) no one has contacted me and asked me to shoot him, or at the very least collect a few samples.

Why not? I’d like to know. They’re writing me off before I even discussed a bounty or finders fee.

While we’re speaking of science. Beer in my Cave evaporates aproximately 75% faster here than anywhere else on Earth. Not only that, but my empties clone themselves. Yet no one from the scientific community has asked to do a study. Why is that? I’d like to know.

John married Yoko. I’d sure like that explained to me.

Sandra Bullock , now way past her prime looks wise, is still playing the goofy romantic ingenue roles she played 12 years ago. And she was the number one star at the box office in 2009. How can this be?

Any and all answers would be appreciated.

C’mon, admit it. Unless you’re really old, or ruthlessly uncool, at some point in your life you owned a pear of tear-away pants. I know I did. Mine actually looked very similar to the ones above. And why wouldn’t you? I mean, it’s a pair of pants, that can be removed without pulling the waistband below your feet. You can just, you know, snap them right off. Allow my assistant Jeffrey here to demonstrate:

I’m sure most of you heard about Haiti. Well I live in Dominican Republic, just next to it so I felt it and I can’t stop thinking of how lucky we were nothing happened to us and I also can’t stop thinking of how unfortunate they were. For those of you who don’t know what happened here is the news.

As I sat at home last night in the comfort of my living room, enjoying my routine of watching sports talk shows while eating dinner, my phone started to ring with text messages.

“Hey Dave, I saw the news. Is your family okay?”

Not exactly the type of text you want to be getting. What the hell just happened? 

I flip through the news channel and quickly learn that a devastating earthquake had just rocked Port au Prince. My father’s family is Haitian. We still have alot of family down there, and most of them live and work in or around Port au Prince. I quickly called my grandmother to see if she had any news. None yet. We still had to wait and see.

Waiting is the worst part.

With power down throughout the entire city, I was afraid that we might have to wait a while before hearing word. Thankfully we did not. Most of my family down there is accounted for. However, we are stll waiting to hear about one of my grandaunts, and two of my father’s cousins. I count myself among the lucky. Most people are still waiting to hear from their family members in Port au Prince. Many will never hear from them again.

This morning, my cousin from Miami had a post up on his facebook which read simply, “Why Haiti?” I remember when I went back to Haiti in 2007. It was the first time I had been back in over fifteen years. As I drove around Port au Prince, I can recall thinking that although there was still a long way to go, I saw progress. It was a stark contrast to the Haiti I remember from my childhood. (That would be the Haiti ravaged from years of war and pillaging. More on this later.)

In the three short years since that visit, Haiti has been torn asunder. Hurricanes and mudlsides have wreaked havoc. Now, before the country has even had a chance to recover, this earthquake destroys their capitol. The homes, businesses, and lives the people who were already the poorest in our hemisphere have just been turned upside down. So I ask again…

…Why Haiti?

For those interesting in helping immediately, simply text “HAITI” to “90999″ and a donation of $10 will be given automatically to the Red Cross to help with relief efforts, charged to your cell phone bill. (More information)

Love. What is it to you? In reality it’s merely a certain amount of chemicals in the brain that cause you to feel lust, security and trust. In my opinion, love is a warped term.

It used to be extremely simple. You find someone you like, you date them, you fall in love, you marry them, you have children. You then raise those children, and go on to die while still married to your first husband. You should feel comfort and respect for this person you have chosen to spend your life with.

The media has completely destroyed what love used to be. In movies love is shown as an incredible passion, as a feeling of gravity towards another person. That there is only one person in the entire world that can make you feel like you’re “flying”. This is all untrue.

Growing up as a little girl, it seemed like life had handed me two different options. I could either stay inside with the girls and play cookie cutter princess, or I could run around outside and roll in the mud with the boys. My decesion making process was a combination of personal taste and convience. True, I did enjoy the company of male friends more so than my female friends, but I also happened to live around 7 little boys who were consitantly wrecking havoc around the neighborhood. Polly pocket just couldn’t hold a candle to that kind of fun, so it wasn’t long before I wanted to join forces with the 7 little boys. I was already friends with Kyle and Rolen, so it was pretty easy for me to fit in. Like I pack of wolves I was adopted in as one of their own, and we were like one big happy family.

Once I started up elementary school I started getting my first real exposure to others girls.