November 30, 2009
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I’m Not Ready
I have come to a point in my life where I want things. These are not things you can just up and buy at the store, these are grown up things. I want to get married soon, I want a house, I want a family.
I’m scared.
This is not to say that I am scared from a standpoint of emotional readiness, this is simply saying that I am not equipped to take these steps that I want to take. It is frustrating to say so, but I am about three years behind schedule.
I am not ready to be a grown up yet.
I came to grips with this recently and began to think how this could happen to me. I am a responsible person for the most part. I have been a productive member of society. I have never gone for more than a month or two at a time sitting on my ass. How could this happen?
I blame my parents.
Don’t we all? The truth is I have blamed my parents in the past. Blamed the lack of stability that resulted after their divorce. Blamed the constant fighting and custody disputes that ensued after. Blamed the depression that gripped my mother, blamed the anger that gripped my father. I’ll stop here with the parents.
More on them later.
Have you ever called bullshit on yourself? I have. It is a unique experience to call bullshit on yourself. On the one hand you feel like crap. To call bullshit on yourself means that you realize how full of crap you are as a person. It means the lies you have been telling have gotten so bad that even YOU don’t believe them anymore.
I must think I’m a friggin idiot!On the other hand calling bullshit on yourself is also a wonderful thing. It means that you are growing. Growing slowly and painfully, but growing nonetheless. It means that somewhere, underneath all the crap you’ve spewed, there is a grown up waiting to emerge.
Is that a light at the end of that tunnel?
