November 13, 2009
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Bulimia 101
Most people have heard of bulimia, but not that many have much understanding of it. It is known as the ‘eating disorder in which people eat loads then throw it up’. It is not nearly as recognised as anorexia. You can see that someone is probably anorexic without having to ask many questions. Bulimia is much harder to spot. And even when it is known about it is not often afforded the same amount of understanding or support that anorexia receives. No wonder that my bulimic friend wishes that she were anorexic.
I have been living with a bulimic for 3 months now. I am finding it incredibly stressful, so I can only imagine how she feels after 10 years of it. Think about all the things you do in a day, think of all the emotions you experience from those. Now replace those emotions almost entirely with food. That is what it is like to be in my friends head.
For her a day goes something like this:
Wake up, get washed, dressed etc.
I’m hungry, I want to eat, but if I eat I will get fat. I will go on facebook for a bit to distract myself.
Ok, I will just go and eat one bowl of breakfast.
Some days this is successful and then I will feel good for a bit that I didn’t eat much. If I manage to eat nothing I will feel even better about myself. Sometimes I eat several bowls and maybe something else too. Then I throw it up.
Go to work. This is good, I enjoy my job a lot. And it distracts me from thinking about eating.
Come home. I am really hungry. I will go for a walk or go to the gym to distract myself.
Come home. I am still really hungry. I will just have one apple or a yogurt. I am still hungry. I will just have some salad and bread. I have eaten quite a bit now, I may as well eat some more. Then it won’t be in the house anymore and I can get rid of it afterwards by throwing up. I then go to bed feeling bad that I ate so much and that I am going to get fat. But tommorow I will not eat anything and I will go to the gym for 5 hours and that will make up for it. If I can just lose a bit of weight I will feel more confident. I just need to be able to see more bones, then I will feel more confident.
And that is not just my imagination of what she is thinking. Most of that is direct quotes of what she has said. She does enjoy a lot of what she does, but regardless of that a big part of the reason that she does most of it is to distract herself from eating.She is so incredibly damaged that it is heartbreaking. She has no monstrous secret in her past beyond her parent’s divorce when she was 12 and a mother that constantly criticizes her. Many people have those and cope with it, her two siblings for example. But her self esteem is so cripplingly low that she turned to food, partly as a way to draw attention to herself due to feeling shadowed by two supposedly more intelligent, more popular siblings. It was also partly to punish herself for not being good enough to keep her parent’s happy and together. Partly as a way of controlling something since she has no control when it comes to her mother. She is angry at her mum for constantly picking at everything that she does, but she also feels as though she deserves it, she feels as though her mum is right for doing it.
Bulimia is not very well understood. Everyone knows anorexia is life-threatening, but bulimia is too. Bulimics are more at risk for heart attacks then anorexics. Bulimics do not generally lose weight in the way that anorexics do because despite throwing up, their stomach still retains some of the food. For this reason you can be friends with a bulimic for years, even have one in your family and never know it. Don’t think that just because you have been out for a meal with someone and they didn’t throw up that they couldn’t possibly be suffering with bulimia. Most bulimics love food, they love eating it, they aren’t going to refuse it. But neither are they likely to throw it up in a public bathroom. That will be for later, when they get home. And if they are past the point when they are able to throw it up, they will punish themselves for days after, usually through excessive exercise or dieting.
I hope that I have given people a different way of thinking about those around them with eating disorders. I know that being on such close quarters with this friend of mine has certainly opened my mind.
Have you ever known anyone with an eating disorder? Have you ever had one? And thoughts/comments you would like to share?
