November 8, 2009
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Who Is Responsible
In America, and perhaps elsewhere in the world, we seem quick to place blame. Often, we’re quick to take litigious action as well. Slip on the ice in front of someone’s house? It’s there fault for not salting, so sue them. It certainly isn’t your fault for being not being aware of your surroundings. Burn yourself on coffee? Sue the restaurant who, heaven forbid, thought you might like your hot beverage- well, hot.
I think we’ve all heard these types of stories, unfortunately. There is also the desire to blame others for things that really are your fault. You don’t have a significant other? It’s because all men (or women depending on your preference) are jerks/idiots/insert other fitting term here. It can’t possibly be because you don’t shower and spend your free time picking your nose. These are some light hearted examples, but I think you can get the idea. It feels better to blame others for things that we don’t like. That way we don’t have to change. That way we can somehow imagine we are better.
There is another, less obvious problem with responsibility assignment. There are those who find it impossible not to take blame for things they have no control over. We all do it to some extent and it is never healthy. At some point, if we want to live a healthy, emotionally stable life we have to recognize that other people are responsible for their own emotions. We don’t have license to be an ass to everyone around us because it’s their fault if they are upset, that isn’t what I’m advocating. There is a point though were you have to recognize they bear some responsibility for their lives. You can’t fix them and if they break, it isn’t your fault.
Let me give you an example. I had a friend years ago that was determined to drink his life away. He didn’t see the alcoholism setting in. Didn’t realize he was addicted. All he knew was when he drank he forgot everything else. I stood by him, loved him, encouraged him to seek help. At times I was brutally honest that the alcohol was killing him. He didn’t see it. And it killed him. Literally. For a long time, I felt responsible. What if I had done more? What if I had returned that one phone call that one time when he was upset? What if I had somehow sensed what was happening that last day and called? Wouldn’t he be alive? The answer is maybe. Maybe he would be…but it’s not my fault that he made the choices he made. Ultimately, he had to choose and even if I had done everything absolutely perfectly, he still had a choice only he could make. If I continued to say “if only”, I was basically assuming god-like abilities. That somehow I’d been enough and had only fallen short. It’s a lie and I realize it now. I have to let the responsibility lie where it belongs for the choices he made. With him. I did what was right, and good, and kind and far more than was really ‘required’ of me.
I still struggle with this though. If I don’t have the words to cheer a friend up, that I have somehow failed. If the friend I have loved and nurtured still spirals into an emotional collapse that I should have somehow done better. It’s a lie. I can’t be responsible for everyone’s well-being. The truth? I have the responsibility to be as good of a friend as I can be and they have to be strong enough to get what they need for themselves. They have to accept the help offered. They have to believe the good things they are told. If they choose not to and fall, it may just be what they need. The help they’ll be forced to get now will be so much more than I could have given before they got here.
What about you? Are you more likely to place blame on others when it isn’t due or accept blame that isn’t yours to take?
